Tomorrow sees the launch of my latest offering, CYCLING WIDOWS 2 – The Trials & Tribulations of Living with an Obsessive Cyclist – in ebook format. And if you’ve been tuning in over the past several weeks, you may have read a Sneak Peek or two from the book.
Well, today is my final Sneak Peek (see below) – taken from the start of the chapter called THE SCOURGE OF BIKE PORN – and this will no doubt be most welcome by all you Cycling Widows out there, especially given that your cyclopathic other halves will now be looking to fill the post-Tour emptiness with all kinds of misguided material such as cycling-related videos, magazines and websites.
If you’re a Cycling Widow with a family, you might think that, by the time your cycling-obsessed husband has let off some steam with a decent ride and settled down at home, all he’d want to do is spend a bit of time with you and the kids, right? But instead, you’ve started noticing him acting strangely lately. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but he’s more edgy than normal – furtive, even – as though he’s itching for time alone.
You try to sleuth things out. Hmm… He’s been on the computer into the wee hours quite a bit lately. You recall one night, walking into the living room to see your beloved on his laptop. He had a strange kind of salivating smile on his face and, as you approached, he snapped out of his reverie and, for a split second, had the look of a cornered, wild animal.
Swiftly, he gave the mouse a few clicks; and as you came up behind his shoulder, you were sure you saw a picture disappear from the screen and get replaced by his tax return spreadsheet. But as far as you were concerned, there was nothing innocent going on. There’s no way he would’ve had a smile on his face like that going through his financial affairs.
With behaviour like that, you know there’s definitely something suspicious going on. Maybe he’s got some red hot cycling lover waiting in the wings. Your imagination runs wild and throws up the image of a scantily-clad young chick sitting raunchily astride her shiny racer, parading the sort of vital statistics and enthusiasm for bikes you could never possibly compete with.
Then you remember that your hubby has also been spending protracted amounts of time in the bathroom. Maybe he’s been sitting in there texting his new bit of bike totty. After all, he can’t be in there shaving his legs. He did that the other day. And his bowels, as far as you’re aware, are in tip-top condition. Well, they’d have to be, wouldn’t they? What with his ‘keep-it-regular’ crunchy-nut muesli breakfast sprinkled with omega oil-rich flaxseeds, and blueberries packed of anti-oxidants – let alone his other nutritional fetishes designed for peak health.
So, why, you wonder, is your stomach all tied up in knots? Is it because you haven’t had your own dose of muesli for breakfast, or is your gut telling you there’s something more worrying at play here?
Well, all things considered, the likelihood is that your cycling-infatuated husband isn’t straying – and why will become clear in a moment. However, even if he hasn’t hooked up with some slinky, tanned and toned female who likes ‘talking dirty’ with all the right bike jargon, there is still plenty to worry about…
If you made up a pie chart of what goes on in a cyclomaniac’s brain, you’d see that bikes take up all of the available space bar that required for the basics in order for him to get by in life, such as eating, drinking, talking, driving, earning a crust, and nodding in the right places when you’re talking to him. As the ‘bike’ part of the brain takes up so much space, it could legitimately be divided into various sub-sections, like training, maintenance, etc, but at the end of the day, cycling is a rather greedy paymaster. If it were a program on a computer, it probably would’ve crashed the system by now, it’s so all-consuming.
In any case, my point here, is that the cyclopath’s brain leaves little time for romance in the ‘real world’, so the chances of your dearly beloved being involved with another woman are thankfully low. However, love itself is definitely not off the cards. So, going back to our mapping of the avid cyclist’s brain in the last paragraph, in which direction do you think the thrust of your spouse’s feelings of ‘love’ in life might be pointing? Yes, you guessed it… cycling!
If you notice any of the aforementioned symptoms manifesting, where your husband is acting in a clandestine manner, I’m afraid the news isn’t good. Because, although he may not be entertaining a human being as a lover, there is still ‘another woman’ in his life… and that’s his bike.
To illustrate the sad depth of just how much bikes mean to cyclomaniacs ‘romantically’, there’s a reputed story that’s told of a single male cycling enthusiast who put out an advertisement for a potential mate in the newspaper classifieds. When a suitable candidate applied, he wrote back saying “Please send photo… of bike”.
So, where am I going with all this? Well, the source of your unnameable anxiety probably isn’t down to some skimpy cycling babe after all, but instead boils down to two simple words… BIKE PORN.
Well, there you have it – the final Sneak Peek before the launch. Did I say it was tomorrow, Saturday, 1 August??? Oh, of course, I must have!
Remember, there’s still time to pick up a few other goodies (below) before the launch so get them while they’re hot – The Survival Guide is permanently free, but the discounts will expire VERY soon!…
- Pick up a FREE copy of The Cycling Widow’s Survival Guide.
- Get DISCOUNTS on all my cycling-related books – including Cycling Widows 2 (available to preorder). Click here for info.
- Read the latest chapter from the original CYCLING WIDOWS book on the blog in this weeks’ FREEBIE MONDAY slot. (Note, this post will NOT be around for much longer!)
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Look forward to seeing you again tomorrow for the launch!
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